Tuesday, October 23, 2007


Sometimes we need a few laughs. Sometimes? I myself spend a lot of time laughing (and wanting to cry). A few minutes spent laughing (or at least smiling) are good for you, the shrinks say. (Not shrinkwrapped people, but they're nice, too.) Thank you for your attention - Schotzy, the cat.
  • Scientific Study: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read blogs with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late.
  • When is it bad luck to see a black cat? When you're a mouse.
  • Australia is also in the midst of an election season, though theirs has big two advantages over ours right now. 1. Their parliament election, which will determine whether John Howard remains prime minister or has to move aside in favor of opposition candidate Kevin Rudd, is just a month away. 2. The most embarrassing YouTube video to surface in their election so far features Rudd idly picking at his earwax and then licking his finger. (Watch it here.) The etiquette breach occurs while one of Rudd’s fellow members of Parliament is droning on something to do with permanent residents. Rudd’s not the only one bored stiff—the redhead sitting in front of him appears to be fighting off sleep, and the woman to his left looks mighty fidgety. I’m confused, though, about how Aussie blogs and newspapers are reacting. The footage is apparently a few years old and has been on YouTube for months, but it’s only now become an issue. A news site says the 30-second clip “could do more damage to Kevin Rudd's election chances than any policy blitz.” Blogs call it Rudd’s “macaca moment.” Really? I’d be relieved if I saw footage of Barack Obama caught picking his nose, or John McCain trying to surreptitiously rid himself of a wedgie. It’s gross and it’s bad manners, but there’s something endearing about catching politicians in those off-guard, embarrassing moments.
  • http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
  • A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
  • A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write -and they won't let me talk!"
  • Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So, I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left the house, I overheard my daughter saying,"There goes dad again, making fountains out of mole hills."
  • Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front. Neville thought to himself, "I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired."So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sigh of relief and said to the other bloke, "Where's ya bin?" The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays." Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?" "I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply. Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya silly idiot. Where's ya Wheelie Bin?" The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening."Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!" (That's for David.)
  • I think it would be a good idea.--- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization.
  • Cowboy Wisdom A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time. "The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado, when we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss. "The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.""Hasn't affected my brothers though."
  • Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. - Mark Twain
  • Children are natural mimics who act like their parents in spite of every effort to teach them good manners. - Socratex
  • Water VS. Wine: As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - a bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
  • "Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business." - Dave Barry
  • Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
  • Grandfather : A banker provided by nature. (For moose.)
  • Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.