Friday, April 27, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Wild Thing and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill. "Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, and based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
On a California freeway: Fine for Littering
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jeweler store: Genuine Faux Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur
In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken
In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here
On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books
On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
Bizarre Sex Laws 1. Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh."
2. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
3. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
5. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
6. There are men on Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
7. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)
8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold on the premises."
Dear Dogs and Cats
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Here's some games to help you waste your time: