Monday, January 21, 2008

WHY MEN DIE YOUNG AND OTHER NONSENSE

^-----Why men die young. Did You Know? Did you know that male moose use almost as much energy growing their antlers yearly as female moose use being pregnant? . So much for my Canadian friends. . Don't forget to click the header. Did you know that today is Procrastinator's New Year? If you are a procrastinator, you should be getting around to celebrating the New Year today. Do it today. Or tomorrow. No hurry. ;-) . An old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50 HAND JOB: $1,000. Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with an impish smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand jobs? "Yes" she purrs, "I am. "The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger." . Here's a little something to ease your pain Click here: Serenity . Bread bowls emerge strong in Britain A food company in Birmingham, England, has begun marketing fully edible bowls and plates. The dishes are made of dough but a special industrial oven bakes the inside and outside of the bowls and plates to give them a stronger "double crust" to keep from getting soggy, the Daily Telegraph reported Monday. David Williams, the managing director of Butt Foods, which developed the idea, said: "Our banks, our investors all thought we were crackers. But we've now proved them wrong." He added that the company will provide its microwaveable naan bowl filled with chicken tikka masala to a leading supermarket chain. Williams said Butt's bowls hold their shape for eight hours without going soggy. This has got to be a put on. The names are too easy. . Something else for Canucks... A butcher fresh out of trade school in Canada gets a job skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. His first assignment is a moose. He cuts the moose up and puts the parts into carefully marked bags: chops, steak, ribs, sirloin, etc, etc. When he finishes, he still has a pile of unidentifiable parts. He shrugs and puts them all into one large bag, which he marks "Moosellaneous." . The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. . Be Careful. Swine Flu is coming. As you know, there is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season.

In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of you family may have

contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease:

1) Sore throat.

2) Slight headache.

3) Moderate to high temperature.

4) Nausea or upset stomach.

5) A strong urge to have sex in the mud.

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The other night, Wild Thing and I were going out. She sat there and put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

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David took his blind date to the carnival.

"What wouldyou like to do first, Kim?" asked David.

"I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and they won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, David again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time David figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a hand shake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,"How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"

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Little Hughie was eating breakfast one morning and started thinking about things.

"Mommy, why does daddy have so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and asked,"So why do you have so much hair?"

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"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -- Herm Albright

21 comments:

YesBut said...

I don't like reading long postings. I give up before starting.

But boy am I happy I started reading this post, each joke led me into the next.

Great blog - thanks

Buck said...

re: Swine Flu. There's a variation on this theme for Avian Flu, the last step being "An uncontrollable urge to shit on someone's windshield."

Badda-da-BOOMP!

alphonsedamoose said...

Did I notice a "theme" in some of these, or is it just my imagination.
I'd make some other comment as well but it can wait until tomorrow ....or later. LOL

Babzy said...

Oh Fwuffer, I waughed out woud at you siwwy joke. WOW

ticblog said...

I needed a smile today. "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy..."

Thank you!

Beneath the Carolina Moon said...

I was here today. Read the whole blog page, clicked a few links, had a few good laughs. I kinda like the place. I'll likely be back.

Dread

Lin said...

Butt Foods ... and I thought 'dump cake' was a poor marketing decision on names. Do you suppose they will name their big party-sized edible dip bowl the "Big Butt"? Buy two, get a free package of "Butt buns". Getting cheeky could turn this to their advantage.

B.T.Bear (esq.) said...

HAHAHAHA!I havent been heer for kwite a wile, I lost the link! I shall hav to add yu to my list so I don't looz yu agen!

THanks fer the giggols!

:@}

Babzy said...

Hi Fluffer. Just checking in to say have a nice weekend. I need to take a break. I can feel my depression closing in again and want to get that under control. I'll check in on you now and then. Don't forget me.

just me said...

Much needed laughs on a dreary Sunday morning. I agree, with a name like Butts, its just too easy.

alphonsedamoose said...

Cat: Where are you? Everything alright

Catmoves said...

Thanks Yesbut. Glad you enjoyed the humor.

Catmoves said...

Buck, thanks for the update on that flu. Hahahaha

Catmoves said...

Moose, I'm waiting to see what you discovered.

Catmoves said...

Babzy and Ticblog, I got that wowsy joke from a friend in Aussie. Somehow I knew you'd both like it.

Catmoves said...

Carolina Moon, glad you liked my humble efforts. Be welcome and relax where ever you see room. I'll be over to visit your blog too.

Catmoves said...

Lin, I'd think that "double crust" would keep one's butt from gettin' soggy, too.

Catmoves said...

You're welcome BT Bear. Giggols air fer fun and every bear.

Catmoves said...

Babzy take care and remember we care. Oh. What a thing to say. "Don't forget me." Your web pages make it impossible to forget you

Catmoves said...

Just me, happy to have your laughs here. Keep smiling and chase those clouds away.

Catmoves said...

Moose, we've had quite a time this past few days. Workin' on a post explaining all.