Tuesday, April 8, 2008

THE GARDEN OF VEGGIES CONTINUES

There's a lot of ugly stuff going on in our world so this post is meant to give us all a few minutes of respite from the world's problems.
.
Clicking the header might be a good place to start.
.
I hope you enjoy it and the vegetables plucked from the garden.
.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?" She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
(Stolen from a dear friend.)
.
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my six year old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if you ever caught a pizza out in the woods."
.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on."-- Maxwell Maltz, Author
.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
.
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on."
-- Maxwell Maltz, Author
.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
.
.
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.""Can you give us an example?""Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody!
.
Letter from a friend who writes and farms:
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope - so that they can be somewhat equal to the prey.
.
Two elderly friends of mine were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Joe noticed something funny about Hugh's ear.
He said, "Hugh, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is..."
.
Usually there's no computer problem I can't solve.
But I met my match when I turned on my machine and was greeted with the message "Keyboard not detected. Hit any key to continue."
.
Older Than Dirt Quiz Count all the ones that you remember....not the ones you were told about. ~Blackjack chewing gum ~Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water ~Candy cigarettes ~Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles ~Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes ~Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers ~Party lines ~Newsreels before the movie ~P.F. Flyers ~Butch wax ~Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933) ~Peashooters ~Howdy Doody ~45 RPM records ~S&H Green Stamps ~Hi-Fi's ~Metal ice trays with lever ~Mimeograph paper ~Blue flashbulbs ~Packards ~Roller skate keys ~Cork popguns ~Drive-in movies ~Studebakers ~Wash tub wringers
.
If you remembered 0-5...You're still young. If you remembered 6-10...You're getting older. If you remembered 11-15...Don't tell your age. If you remembered 16-25...You're OLDER THAN DIRT! If you find you're 'older than dirt'....you have plenty of company.
Don't care what you say. I am NOT going to tell you how many I remembered.
.
Have a fun day.

18 comments:

Towanda said...

Hi catmoves!

I am enjoying all of your posts, though it has been impossible for me to stop and write my comments lately. Busy busy busy with our move to Santa Fe ... just a month to go now!

Anyway, I try to get by daily and keep up to date with all of your posts. You are very entertaining and I enjoy your posts so much and just want to let you know.

~Towanda

Buck said...

OK... I got a real LOL, literally, out of

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Hadda dry my eyes several times from that one! (I'm older than dirt. Hell, I owned and used a wringer-washer as late as 1977.)

alphonsedamoose said...

Cat: I am laughing so hard, I am crying. Love this post especially the hamsters and the deer.

Catmoves said...

Thank you Towanda. Just remember they call Santa Fe the City Different. (Apparently, English is still a foreign language there.)
There are a number of New Mexico and various city blogs you can find with a little googling. Geeze, that sounds odd.
"googling?"

Catmoves said...

Glad you enjoyed that one Buck. When I was in Aussie, I learned how to use a "boiler" to wash my clothes. Someday I might write about my introduction to the really old time bliler method.
I was not allowed to put the clothes through Gramma's wringer washer. I could only watch and resent the big people's restriction.

Catmoves said...

Moose, lessons from deer can be painful to learn, but once taught, they are never forgotten. I seem to remember that a Moose is the largest of all the deer family. Hmmmmmm.

alphonsedamoose said...

Not only the largest, but the smartest and most handsome.

Lin said...

Cat, that last memory quiz has me puzzled. There are a number of vintage folks I know who would not remember any of those. Does this mean that we ... I mean THEY actually get younger? Do you really get to go back to infancy from adultery?

Shrinky said...

"No, I'm your son's teacher - "

Lol! Still laughing..

Thanks for making me smile, I love it when you do one of these posts.

Catmoves said...

Roaring Moose. Big WTG for you.

Catmoves said...

lin, of course one goes back to youthful enterprises as one ages. Excuse me, the handle on my rattle is loose. Gotta fix it.

Catmoves said...

Thanks Shrink(y). Still getting used to your new name. And I always enjoy your posts.

Suldog said...

Thanks for the chuckles. Thanks for stopping by over at my place, too. You are now a character in my play. When it will be completed, I don't know. Whether or not it will be any good at all, I don't know. But, you're in it!

Catmoves said...

You're welcome suldog. I'll be watching for the script and practicing my projection.

Thud said...

I just read this post to my mother(slightly ammended)...she loved it!

Suldog said...

As promised, you are now a character in the stupidest play ever written. Well, actually, I didn't promise to make you a character in the stupidest play ever written, but that's how it turned out. Come see for yourself:

http://jimsuldog.blogspot.com

Catmoves said...

Hi Thud. I wonder if your Mom would have liked it if you hadn't amended it? Did you show her the picture?

Catmoves said...

Suldog, just a comment. Bitch, bitch, bitch for the Kumquats.